


The Brodyssey

by ticktockclockwork



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, M/M, Seriously this is just a bunch of nonsense, Silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 01:11:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10322126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ticktockclockwork/pseuds/ticktockclockwork
Summary: Jack and Bitty go to IKEA with the SMH and Jack disappears for 20 years, leaving Bitty to fend off his many suitors. Or maybe Jack was gone an hour... And Bitty's suitors are just the underpaid staff wanting to close up for the night...Regardless. Epic adventures! Heartfelt romances! Swedish meatballs! Everything one could want in an adventure story!Sparked fromthis post by yoursummerfroston tumblr bubbling up the idea of the Odyssey but in Ikea and with some zimbits.





	

“Sing to me Muse-”

“Dex.”

“Nursey, sing to me! Tell me of the man who was good at like… fuckin’ everything. The man who defeated the lax bros in their own home, tell me how he-”

“Chowder, did you let Dex drink? You know he can't hold his liq-”

“Nurse are you listening, man. Listen, hey… hey, hey listen. Tell me a story. Tell me THE story. The one with the meatballs.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“The meatballs! Sing to me-”

“I'm not singing Dex.”

“Sing to me you pretentious English lit fuck. Tell me about Jack mastering the wild swedish seas. Tell me of his --  _ hic _ \-- trials and trib… trib-u-lations. Hashtag nailed it.”

“Did you just-?”

“Less talky more singy! Tell me about how all his friends died because they ate pork.”

“Dex… you were  _ there _ . No one died. He just got lo-”

“Sing it to me!”

“Dex-”

“Sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!”

“Chowder don't chant along, your little shit.”

“Sing! Sing! Sing!”

“For fucks sake, you were BOTH there, I don't know why I have to- fine. Ok shut up, stop cheering, I'm just doing this so you'll stop embarrassing me.”

“You love us, Nursey. Now stop being mean to Dex and me and tell the story.”

“Alright, alright. Fine. Fucking stupid but fine. It was in Providence-”

“Stop! It's gotta start with Once Upon A Time!”

“Bitty, what the fuck. I thought you were playing beer pong.”

“I lost! Start over!”

“I haven't even started yet!”

“You have and you done got it wrong. It's gotta start with once upon a time.”

“That's fairytales. This is an epic. They aren't the same.”

“Itty Bitty brah is right dude, it's got to start with once upon a time.”

“Oh Jesus, Shitty, really? When did you get here?”

“Been here this whole time, dude. Now come on, you have an avid fucking audience, entertain us Bard!”

“Ugh fine. Fine! Once upon a time… in a land far, far away… called Providence, there was an, uhm, ocean? Fuck I don't fucking know, there's an Ikea, and we were all there because Jack can't decorate for shit.”

\---

“Tell me again why the whole team is here?”

“Sweetheart, you know they like to be involved.”

“But did they really have to come to Ikea with us? I mean, couldn't they have just come over once we had all the furniture picked out?”

“Shitty wanted meatballs. And Lardo said something about buying Chowder a stuffed shark? Bless her heart, though, we all know Chowder hates real sharks.”

Jack sighed and dropped his face into his hand. He was leaning back against a loaded up cart, Bitty sitting on top of the box containing one third of his new desk. Bitty was scrolling through Twitter on his phone and eating soft serve ice cream from the little food area outside checkout. He didn't seem at all bothered by anything that was happening which just served to make Jack groan louder.

“Bits, we were supposed to leave like half an hour ago. Where is everyone?”

“Hm? Oh, I don't know, hun. Probably just distracted.”

“Can't we just leave them?”

“Jack, don't be mean.”

Jack sighed heavily again and moved to the side to try and look into the  _ As Is _ section where he thought he saw Lardo last. “Well, we need to go soon, this place closes in like,” he looked to his watch. “An hour.”

Bitty had turned to drape himself across the box like a chaise lounge and was holding his phone above his face, still scrolling. “Go find everyone then.” he said before taking a lick of his ice cream.

“What?”

“Go find them. I'll wait here with our stuff.”

“But.” Jack looked over to see Bitty smiling at him, as if he couldn't tell that Jack was going prematurely grey by the minute.

“You got this, babe. I think Ransom and Nursey are in the cafeteria.” Then Bitty was back to looking at his phone and Jack was left with no choice but to go wrangle the team.

\---

Things were going alright for the most part. Rather than cutting back through the checkout area, Jack went around the corner and started right from the beginning. He assumed, rather naively, that since he wouldn't be stopping to look at every little thing with Bitty, that this would be faster than trying to move against the current by going backwards.

He skirted around the wiggly mind-of-their-own carts as people stopped suddenly to look at the showrooms and ducked around through one of the uglier ones to avoid a stroller filled with screening toddlers. He was exhausted already and groaned when he got caught between two families trying to look at the same worn out lamp shade. He had to pretend to look at the bookshelves stacked with identical swedish novels (that he was pretty convinced were just filled with blank pages) for five minutes before an exit opened up and he was able to squeak by. Never had being a big six foot something hockey player been so much of a nuisance as it was now trying to move quickly through an endless sea of moderately decorated mini apartments.

It was when he got past the side tables and to the mattresses that things got really hairy. He'd just rounded a corner when he saw a flash of blue and white jerseys, a  _ familiar _ flash of blue and white, and groaned. While part of him doubted he'd be recognized by some Falconer's fans in such a crowded place, he was not in a great mood to risk it. He didn't think he'd be able to keep his manners in line at that point given his already frayed nerves. So he did the first thing that came to mind and laid down on one of the mattresses to ‘test it out’.

This, of course, was the wrong thing to do as just as soon as he'd laid down on one side of the bed, a small elderly woman draped herself down along the other. Because, apparently, Ikea didn't believe in personal space. He'd been about to get up to let them have it when her family surrounded the bed. He was trapped now. To get up would force him to stand incredibly close to a set of middle aged women who were chattering with the elderly lady in what Jack thought was Portuguese? He wasn't sure. He also doubted whether the ladies would move even if he  _ did _ stand up. It appeared instead that it was a family affair, picking out a bed, and Jack had become trapped as they argued over the pros and cons of mattress pads.

The fans moved on but the family remained and Jack closed his eyes to count to ten because he was fairly certain this was how he was destined to go.

**Author's Note:**

> ... hey there. Hi. Hello. What the fuck is it I'm doing, you ask? I have no fucked idea!! I just really like Greek mythos and I really like zimbits and apparently I don't have enough going on in my life right now. I'm taking hella liberties with the story but eh, whatever, so do all translators throughout history most of the time. 
> 
> I really enjoyed playing with the characters and who they will be from the original epic. Jack is clearly Odysseus and Bitty is Penelope. The others will come in the next chapters!! I hope you all enjoy and take this for what it is, a silly crack fic exploration to make y'all laugh.
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr @ [ticktockclockwork](http://ticktockclockwork.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr!


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